The Grounded Canary

I am in a continuous state of RELAUNCHING.

And, I am ok with that.

In the past few years, I have found a thread that holds me together through my life transitions.  

This thread reminds me to   – Be love, Shine Light, and to Live my Best Life 

This thread is my home.

It is my guide.  

And….it’s becoming my JOB. 

I am like a canary.  

Wanna know how?

Well – years ago, miners used canaries to help see if a mine was safe to enter due to poisonous toxins that may be in the air.  People couldn’t sense these toxins.  Only canaries could.    

A canary is built differently – sensitive enough to feel the toxins – if the toxins were too strong in the cave, the canary would stop singing – and if the miner doesn’t react fast enough, the canary would die and so could the miners.   

We are in a culture of better, faster, more – when are we slowing down?  How can we live our best life?  How can we live listening to the canaries of life – and knowing when something isn’t right.  Use your senses, use your North star, use your “gut feeling” – whatever it is, don’t settle.  Listen and make a move.

These days, I am looking to be a canary more often.  Where am I needed?  How can I alert the miners?  What am I supposed to waive the flag of caution about?  I am always looking…always sensing…always feeling.  

Have I resisted this?  Yes.

For many years, I would often ask “what is wrong with me?”  what is this yearning?  

Why am I so alive and feeling such unrest when others seem content?

That’s just it.

Nothing is wrong with me.  No THING.

Now, I believe this is a role of mine.  I believe it is part of my story.  

I was not created to live small and safe, I was created to live fierce, take risks, and be brave.

I am not afraid to RELAUNCH.  

I am proud of where I have been - all of the twists and turns.  I continue to raise a family with my loving, steadfast husband.  I have worked to be a role model for my kids – dancing and laughing in the kitchen, knowing what the Shahas stand for, and continuing the legacy of our ancestors –  I have counseled marriages through couples ministry.  I have seen people persevere through life situations. I have used my skills to assist non-profits in their mission of service in our community.   And, I have consistently sought out my personal cheerleading squad – my tribe – who serve as anchors and arrows as needed.  I have taken Improv classes that have trained me to be bold, take risks, enjoy life, and relax.  

I look for perspective.

My favorite – tho…my favorite was about 10 years ago sitting on the cold dirt floor in a four walled room in Apalina, Romania – next to a 5 foot women – probably somewhere between 60-80 years old.  It was hard to tell because she had lived such a hard life, and it had taken it’s toll.  Her back was so literally hunched over, I needed to be on the ground to look up at her blue eyes – as she was sitting in what must have been a chair.  I wanted to be so close to her so I could hold her hand in mine. Her wrinkles were as deep as the valley.  Her white hair held back in a dark grey babushka.  Much noise was happening all around in the community – dogs barking, kids squealing, movement on the other side of very thin walls.  The air was thick, smelled of all things burning.  And this was not the familiar campfire smell. This was a smell that could tell a story.  If I try hard enough, I can still smell it.                             There were many eyes peeking in the door to see who we were.  Our friends’ “home” was about as big as a regular sized bathroom in your house.  It was dark, maybe one small lightbulb dangling down from the ceiling.  About 5 of us filed into that cramped space with a pastor for a “house visit”.  There were makeshift seating areas, maybe a small dirty rug, but she was honored to be our host as she served us packaged cookies and some coke.  We didn’t dare deny her as she was extending the best for her guests.  A barrel in the corner held a fire for heat and cooking.  She lived alone in her “house”, but had family living all around her – in rooms that leaned on her solid internal structure. Sort of like a house of cards.  In those rooms, there was plenty.  There was adultery, infections, miscarriages, abuse, hopelessness, physical pain, teen births, sadness and death.  After staying for a while, through a translator, she told us her story.  

Very thoughtful…very deliberate….How she was alone, yet surrounded by family that needed so much.  How she had hope, light, and life…and wanted so badly to impact her community.  She knew God could work through her and create miracles, she was confident about that.  So, in very simple words she asked us to pray for her to do just that.  So we did.  Then, outta no where…I did the only thing I knew to do.  I started to sing.  Now, I am not a singer.  I want to be – that’s my dream job – to sing on broad way. But I am not a singer.  But, you know, I am a love bringer.  I am not afraid to share what my heart wants to share…so off I went – singing…

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.  Let it Shine, Let it Shine, Let it Shine…

It was all I had.  And, in that moment, it was all that was needed. I was only there to share love, embrace that space with her, and exist in that moment. God would do the rest.  I knew it.    

I knew her. 

I was one with her in that “cave” - two canaries – alerting the troops, calling in back up, trying to assist as best as we could as a vehicle for God to this community.  

I was forever changed by this moment.  10 years ago, I went to simply follow a call to bring ministry to strengthen couples in Apalina.  And yes - there were many moments that impacted me during that mission.  However it was this “side job” during our mission and this particular house visit – that had me on my bum, on the dirt, looking into those eyes – It is this that drew me back to the sweet Apalina community twice more in the past few years.

My heart will always be there.

I will always want to go on house visits – or as I see them, heart visits.  

 Here, there, anywhere. 

I want to be at YOUR feet hearing YOUR story. 

It is moments like this that keep me always seeking perspective and growth.

What is out there?  What can this life bring?  What really matters?

Moments like these make me go TOWARDS things…not avoid them.  

I can not NOT follow my heart

Do I struggle? – hell yes.  Is there darkness?, yes – tension?, yes.  It lives and breathes in all of this. 

But I try my best to Name it.  Feel it.  Try to move past it.

I try to re-center and take care of myself – even if I don’t know what is next.

My security is authenticity – my security is on that floor in Apalina.

I am that woman.  

 She is me.

So, here I am at my current pivotal relaunch.

I am about to be jobless.

Back On The Floor.

It is my choice.  There are many reasons why this sounds crazy and I should be worried.  

But, I am not.  My husband may be….as it would help to bring in some cash to help support our family endeavors.  

But I will.  

I am making space.  I am not letting fear confine me.

There is more coming, I feel it.  I need to clear my mind.  Open my heart.   

I want to be ready.  

You know what? – I am going to listen to my deep yearning to come along side people to live their best life.             

That’s my “next” To keep going in the cave and keep singing…

 I’ll leave you with a Hopi Elder’s Poem that sits well in my soul.  

I hope it blesses yours.

There are things to be considered . . .

Where are you living?

What are you doing?

What are your relationships?

Are you in right relation?

Where is your water?

Know your garden.

It is time to speak your Truth.

Create your community.

Be good to each other.

And do not look outside yourself for the leader."

 "We are the ones we've been waiting for."